Mom

3 years....since I've been able to hear your voice, hug your body, hold your hand, kiss your face. I miss our talks, about everything and nothing. I can't believe I had to get married without you, start my life with Michael without you. How many times I needed to ask you questions about cooking and baking.

When we went and picked up Chauncey I thought of you. You definitely would have driven up to Michigan and got one, or two, of his liter mates. You wouldn't have cared about your allergies, you would eat him up. Most importantly you would talk me off the ledge every time I was wanting to give up on him. 

 I longed so badly to call you up when I found out I was pregnant with Ignatius. I was over-joyed, but something was missing. Every time I touched my belly and felt a kick I yearned to be able to grab your hand and place it on me. I thank you for Ignatius. 7 kids and 4 grandkids later you finally got your wish, you have your blond hair, blue eyed baby. You would be over the moon about him. He is such a character, I can hear your squeals of delight at his every move. 

When I became pregnant with Maeve, again I felt a part of me was empty. The morning sickness was so much worse. The entire pregnancy was different. Could it be a girl? People would say, "you must be hoping for a girl." My response was always, if it's a girl it would be a gift from my mother. My heart sunk a little when I saw the heartbeat so low when I was in labor. I just knew, it's a boy. I'm destined to have only boys. When Dad pulled that beautiful baby out and I looked up and saw it was a girl I was overcome. A girl! I have my girl. Immediately a tiny part of my heart broke. This isn't fair, how can I not have you here to share this moment with. Then I looked into her eyes, blue as can be, and I knew you did that. Thank you for my stubborn, sassy, beautiful baby Maeve Barbara. I was telling Melissa the other day, every time I have to pour baby powder into her fat rolls I can hear your laughter. You would not be able to control yourself, you would smother her chubby cheeks with kisses.

I can't believe I am having to raise my children without you. All I ask is please show me signs you're still here with me. Thank you for showing me on Sunday, I felt you in every inch of Maeve's baptism. Until we meet again...I love you and miss you every moment of every day.